Sunday, August 22, 2010

Pig Faced Orcs and Other Changes

Nowadays, if you ask someone what an orc looks like, you're likely to get a picture that looks something like this....

...or perhaps like this....
...or perhaps even like this...



Wasn't like that for me. When I became interested in fantasy literature and gaming, back in the seventies, there was some conflict about orcs. First time I ever saw an orc, it looked like this:

...the illustration in the first edition AD&D Monster Manual.

Now, I'd read Lord of the Rings, and Orcs got quite a rap in that series. Man, orcs were just flat out mean, ugly, unpleasant, and lethal, if you let them be. They had names like Ugluk and Gorbag, and would eat your hobbits for breakfast if Saruman didn't want them alive. THESE creatures, though... WTF? These weren't scary monsters, these were confused looking pig people... or perhaps the sapient evolved descendants of Dino from The Flintstones. THESE could not be orcs. What DID orcs look like?


When Ralph Bakshi's animated Lord of the Rings movie came out, I went to go see it. Sure, they'd have to show orcs in there, wouldn't they? Well, as it turned out... not exactly.

As animated over live action footage... well... they did manage scary pretty well. But you couldn't see what they looked like for beans. They vaguely looked like badly animated guys in battered renfair gear with glowing eyes added in postproduction. What the hell DID an orc look like? At one point, I had the opportunity to buy some 25mm orc miniatures. I looked forward to painting them up and seeing what they looked like. I wish I had some pictures of those figures, because they were so badly sculpted, that once I had them painted... well... I STILL wasn't sure what an Orc looked like...
The Brothers Hildebrandt did some terrific Lord of the Rings art for a series of calendars back in the seventies. This was their first painting with orcs in it. I was still not satisfied. If these were orcs, they were Disney orcs. Where could I find something MEAN and SCARY, durnit?


Games Workshop, in England, was one of the first outfits to give me a REAL clue as to what an orc looked like, as seen above. They were green, had long pointy ears, tended to baldness, and had big lantern jaws and tusks. Well, it was a start...

It took the Dungeons and Dragons people thirty years before they decided what an orc looked like. Perhaps to avoid conflict with Games Workshop, D&D orcs are gray, and somewhat hairier than GW's. They're certainly scary, for all that they're pretty much cannon fodder and walking XP packages for players.
It took the Warcraft people, Blizzard Entertainment, to really flesh out the orc, though. Warcraft orcs are green, tusked, and remarkably scary. On the other hand, by the time Warcraft III and World of Warcraft came out, they weren't that bad -- they were, in fact, a deeply spiritual, shamanic-nature kind of folk, and had only been psychotic bloodthirsty villains due to being corrupted by demons. Sigh.


Blizzard had ushered in the PC orc... in both senses of the word; both player character and politically correct.

I mean, I know things are going to change. The game, the fantasy, all of it, is a muse for a lot of people, and there's going to be evolution in how our monsters and villains are presented.
But there are some permutations I could have gone without...


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Social Skills for Gamers: Part Four

I think they actually sell these over at www.thinkgeek.com. No fair sawing the soap open to get the d20 out! They smell great, too.

Mistaken Identity

Hm? No, never heard of him. Why do you ask?

Man Cave


Man cave goooooooood.

Social Skills For Gamers, Part Three

(Stolen from John Kovalic and Dork Tower, www.dorktower.com All rights reserved; everything copyright, trademarked, owned, and stolen from John Kovalic.)

Hot Babes Do LARP

Been there. Seen it.

Social Skills for Gamers: Part Two

This artwork is copyrighted by and the property of John Kovalic, creator of the Dork Tower comics, some of the finest comics about gamers ever written. I have stolen this one panel because it says so much with so little. Go look at more at www.dorktower.com

Social Skills for Gamers: Part One

How come I never run into chicks wearing shirts like that?

The Gun Is My Skill List

Ah, here we go... I'd been LOOKING for this one...

Beware of Dwarves

The elf Tizerk emerged from the tunnel in the rear of the Orc camp, and was immediately blindsided, falling to -4 hit points and collapsing. But the Dancing Dwarf had his back, and emerged from the tunnel to cover him.

The orcs moved in. Strangely, they ignored the Dancing Dwarf in favor of stripping Tizerk's corpse and perhaps making soup out of him. They paid no attention to DD as they casually sheathed their weapons and argued about who'd get the ring and who'd get the bow as they moved forward.

So DD casually hacked one of the orcs into chutney. He was around ninth level at the time, so the orc was in about four pieces before any of him actually hit the ground.
The orcs froze, thunderstruck. What the hell? How did THAT happen? They paused to look at the dismembered orc corpse. Meanwhile, Tizerk kept rolling to stabilize, and not doing too well at it. DD reached down to administer first aid, but then had to stop and chop up another orc who approached before he could do anything. Tiz was at -6 and falling.
By now, a crowd was starting to gather. Another orc approached, and died in a welter of scimitars and gore. The other orcs discussed the matter at some length. Perhaps the elf had had some sort of disease? Was it contagious? WAS there a disease that caused orcs to explode into gory chunks?
It was about this time that DD realized that the orcs couldn't see him... even when he attacked. He'd forgotten all about the shirt of +1 chainmail... that made him invisible to orcs... that he was wearing. He'd had it for ages. He hadn't fought any orcs since about fourth level. It actually took him a while for this to dawn on him. Meanwhile, Tizerk stabilized, and DD continued to have to hack up about one orc per round, as they tried sneaking up BEHIND the corpse, rushing at the corpse, and tossing a lasso at the corpse to see if they could move it (DD cut the rope). The orcs were mystified, and beginning to get a little scared.

"What is UP with you nitwits?" screamed a goblin. "There's THIRTY of you idiots, and ONE of HIM! KILL HIM!"
"Um," said an orc, "I think he's almost dead as it is. Unless he's just moving so fast we can't see him. And if that was the case, why would he lay back down? He could have killed us all by now."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" screamed the goblin. "There's ONE DWARF, you pack of utter morons! WHY IS HE STILL ALIVE?"

"Dwarf?" said the orcs. They looked around. "What dwarf?" DD took advantage of the fracas to slip the Ring of Regeneration onto Tizerk's finger... not realizing it wouldn't heal wounds that had occurred when he wasn't wearing it. By now, the rest of the group was beginning to get antsy, and had moved into the far end of the tunnel.
"This is stupid," said one of the orcs, truly a mental giant among his kind. "If there was a dwarf, and he was invisible, Zog there wouldn't be able to see him, either. Therefore, there is no dwarf. And did Zog just call us a bunch of names?"

All the orcs turned to look at Zog. "But... but," sputtered Zog the Goblin, "THERE'S THE DWARF! HE'S RIGHT THERE! HE'S RIGHT--"

And as the orcs gleefully slaughtered their most outspoken critic, the group collected poor Tizerk and sneaked out the way they came...